hmm …
10
… I forgot about this blog. Someone commented on an old post today and I was excited. I have been wanting a new blog for awhile. Mostly because I dont love the look of my blogspot blog. I suppose I am very visually oriented and wordpress is unfailingly pretty. So I am resurrecting this blog. I figure, who needs to build something new, if greatness already exists. This blog is pretty and simple and so, here I am – again.
I emailed a friend last night. I was vulnerable and today I am better for it. I told him how scared I was, of my next adventure. Scared of leaving my country (for longer than normal – years (or more) perhaps), leaving all that I have ever known, to live in all that is new.
Spring 2008
Growing up in a home full of, emotional disarray I have actively sought to maintain control when it comes to my emotions, but in recent months I admit, I have been, a bit of a mess. At first I was placing blame on events in my life, but through thinking and prayer, I have concluded to a better understanding of what is really going on. I think we get to the point when we realize we do not actually have the capacity to be – perfect. You know like that Christmas ornament, the one that hangs just so from the tree, and twinkles, in all its glory, the light hitting it- in all the right angles.
I have tried to be this person my whole life. I wanted to be perfect. Not in the sense of straight A’s or spending hours grooming myself. But I wanted to do everything right. I wanted people to like me (doing almost anything to get that) most of all, I wanted to stop being the loser. In elementary school, I was just that (in a world according to my classmates), so much so, I ran with what we called “The cool of the un-cool” The problem was I thought I was better than that, and I regretfully hurt people along the way. My mind set so distorted that by the time I entered eighth grade I had no friends, the ones who came to high school with me, I hurt, and the ones that remained were left behind in another grade.
Reality hit on my first day of high school (eighth grade), I remember walking from the bus stop, side by side, with this girl whom I had, “run away from” because in seventh grade, (for a least five minutes), that made me cool. The girl, she didn’t say anything for a long excruciating 10 minutes, the whole time I wondered if I should say hi, and I finally looked at her, and questioned “Amy?” she was like “yeah it’s me,” instantly forgiving me. Amy stuck by me in all my “better than you” phases, a true friend. She is the kind of girl, who loves you no matter where you have come from, or who you were. I want to have that kind of compassion, where you never question a person. You just love them from the start. Amy inspires me to love people; she inspires me to fight for the greater good. Recently I realized, that trying to be perfect is preventing me from living. Always worrying about what others think hinders my abilities. Stilts my passion. The thing is, I have nobody to blame for this but myself. I just need to start truly believing in myself and those around me. I need to rid the preconceived notions, of what I think people think I am, and just be myself.
God is taking care of us; when I look back on this year, I am absolutely astounded by His divine works. A couple months ago my roommate was in the craziest car accident. It was morning and she was taking her usual route to work; stopped at a red light, where she found herself thinking, I should really be in the other lane. Upon talking herself out of moving a large fish truck pulls up beside her and then, the light changes.
A car, to the left, in the cross street, runs their newly red light, hitting the fish truck at full speed, unbeknownst to Claire who proceeds through the intersection driving past the truck, is then hit, dragged down the cross street in the wrong direction. Once at a stop, confused and disoriented she gets out of her totaled car. She looks at it, then down at herself. She staggers to the sidewalk and looks up, screaming aloud, thank you God. Three cars totaled and no injuries.
imagining
08
imagine this
you walk into a room
and there no preconceived notions
of you are
you look everyone in the eye
judgment via peers is something of yesterday
there is hope
Oh yes, that is my naive dream
i left my heart in NYC
I went went when I was young
not in age
but in life
one bittersweet year ago
funny how life changes
how we see the world
once we’ve started to see the world
waiting
08
in the solace of the apartment
i am safe
on the streets i am vulnerable
and that is my biggest fear
i sit and wait
for courage to creep in
wondering
07
when i look out unto my ocean
i wonder where you are
how could i hear your voice before
LOUD
lucid
i could almost feel your breath
upon my skin
like you were standing right before me
face to face
SURE
real
now i am waiting
only the air is murky
my thoughts in disarray
SAD
lonely
truth
07
the perfect picture hangs alone.
the white space. white.
sleek black frame. solid.
she hopes.
the picture falls.
the glass. shatters.
white space. colourful.
sleek black frame. breaks.
she smiles. and walks away.
