Growing up in a home full of, emotional disarray I have actively sought to maintain control when it comes to my emotions, but in recent months I admit, I have been, a bit of a mess. At first I was placing blame on events in my life, but through thinking and prayer, I have concluded to a better understanding of what is really going on. I think we get to the point when we realize we do not actually have the capacity to be – perfect. You know like that Christmas ornament, the one that hangs just so from the tree, and twinkles, in all its glory, the light hitting it- in all the right angles.

I have tried to be this person my whole life. I wanted to be perfect. Not in the sense of straight A’s or spending hours grooming myself. But I wanted to do everything right. I wanted people to like me (doing almost anything to get that) most of all, I wanted to stop being the loser. In elementary school, I was just that (in a world according to my classmates), so much so, I ran with what we called “The cool of the un-cool” The problem was I thought I was better than that, and I regretfully hurt people along the way. My mind set  so distorted that by the time I entered eighth grade I had no friends, the ones who came to high school with me, I hurt, and the ones that remained were left behind in another grade.

Reality hit on my first day of high school (eighth grade), I remember walking from the bus stop, side by side, with this girl whom I had, “run away from” because in seventh grade, (for a least five minutes), that made me cool. The girl, she didn’t say anything for a long excruciating 10 minutes, the whole time I wondered if I should say hi, and I finally looked at her, and questioned “Amy?” she was like “yeah it’s me,” instantly forgiving me. Amy stuck by me in all my “better than you” phases, a true friend. She is the kind of girl, who loves you no matter where you have come from, or who you were. I want to have that kind of compassion, where you never question a person. You just love them from the start. Amy inspires me to love people; she inspires me to fight for the greater good. Recently I realized, that trying to be perfect is preventing me from living. Always worrying about what others think hinders my abilities. Stilts my passion. The thing is, I have nobody to blame for this but myself. I just need to start truly believing in myself and those around me. I need to rid the preconceived notions, of what I think people think I am, and just be myself.

A car, to the left, in the cross street, runs their newly red light, hitting the fish truck at full speed, unbeknownst to Claire who proceeds through the intersection driving past the truck, is then hit, dragged down the cross street in the wrong direction. Once at a stop, confused and disoriented she gets out of her totaled car. She looks at it, then down at herself. She staggers to the sidewalk and looks up, screaming aloud, thank you God. Three cars totaled and no injuries.

you walk into a room

and there no preconceived notions

of you are

you look everyone in the eye

judgment via peers is something of yesterday

there is hope

Oh yes, that is my naive dream

I went went when I was young

not in age

but in life

one bittersweet year ago

funny how life changes

how we see the world

once we’ve started to see the world

i am safe

on the streets i am vulnerable

and that is my biggest fear

i sit and wait

for courage to creep in

LOUD
lucid

i could almost feel your breath
upon my skin
like you were standing right before me
face to face

SURE
real

now i am waiting
only the air is murky
my thoughts in disarray

SAD
lonely

white space. colourful.

sleek black frame. breaks.
she smiles. and walks away.